Rules of Engagement

 (an email I, Thummim, sent to my therapist with thoughts on having healthy, difficult, conversations. This was after having a session with him and then listening to one of his podcasts.)

Rules of Engagement

Something that “called me out” from listening to your podcast was the idea that demanding a conversation begin a certain way or follow certain rules as prerequisites or “rules of engagement” may have “unhealthy” consequences or contribute to the “dance” of endless frustration in a relationship.

What I heard was that often partner “A” will demand partner “B” show up to a conversation perfectly calm and collected and “rational” with a respectful tone of voice. If those “demands” are not met, then partner A feels justified in withdrawing or disengaging from the conversation. You’ve mentioned that women will often beat themselves up for showing up angry and frustrated when attempting to express themselves to their male partners with self-talk like: “I should have been more respectful, it’s no wonder he reacted the way he did.” You help them see that their response and heated emotions are perfectly normal, because there really ARE things happening in the relationship that ARE frustrating and anger-inciting.

I felt called out because I have made that request multiple times in my relationship. I’ve said: “Can you adjust your tone, I’m feeling like I’m getting a lecture which is making me super defensive.” This ties back to me having a very aggressive mother that would often use a particular tone of voice when scolding/lecturing/disciplining me and others in my family (my attachment history/scars). 

After listening to you mention this exact request/demand as a common thing men do, I’m now reconsidering whether that is “fair” or simply a manifestation of my avoidant tendencies… to want to “escape” any and all uncomfortable feelings rather than “stay engaged” in a conversation.

After our last session, I had a question from the opposite perspective. Hopefully this isn’t just me being defensive and demanding “tit for tat.” But here it is: We shared an occasion where my wife was triggered into a series of difficult memories by something my daughter said. I was unaware of the depth of her experience and pain, but saw her crying when we got home and asked her if there was something on her mind. She responded that she didn’t want to talk about it and needed to sort her feelings out. I took her at her word and gave her some “space.”

Later she shared that she actually wanted me to “stay with it” and draw out what she was feeling and that she took my “withdrawing” as a sign of a lack of care/affection. She also said that she’s afraid of “which version of me” will show up at these conversations, so she does some “water testing” and, if she determines I’m in a non-optimal mood (ie: not as attentive, loving, caring, affectionate, repentant) as she “needs,” then she will defer the conversation to another time. The fact that I didn’t stay engaged to “draw out” what was wrong, was a sign that I was “unsafe” to have the conversation with at the time.

This led to an extended period of “tension” between us until she decided to send me an email listing what was on her mind. I was at work on a particularly busy day and responded quickly to her email rather than taking more time to respond completely (my bad). She, then, took that as another sign of my lack of care / affection because she wanted a more detailed, engaged, email response.

So, the question is: Are these equivalent cases (or classes) of demanding a partner follow specific “rules of engagement?” These both seem, to me, to be examples of someone potentially finding excuses to “fuse” to whatever narrative allows them to escape from the difficult conversation. Are these legit needs that a person can have “boundaries” around and feel entitled to the respect of those boundaries? Is it healthy? Is it productive?